My Blog

Apparently I have lots to say today.. After penning my thoughts for soo many days i need to find a place to put it down (from a very good friend of mine) She says at least i have a place to vent my feelings.

Had a bad day today, wanted to spend some time alone. Kept thinking about what to do, how to make my life more meaningful.. wanted to cycle but the nearest place is 1hr away, went for a swim alone. Somehow when i’m in the pool I realise that it’s not what i want. Left after 20 mins.

Brought myself a ice-cream and walk home. The ice-cream did wonders, i should write a note to walls for the great product. On my way home, a friend call me. I asked, what is life to her? If living is to die, what is the point of living? What is the objective if the end state is the same for everyone. She was trying to tell me that by life is short and that by living life to the fullest was the only thing to do.

I think everyone have the same thoughts, why life and why death, who determine who lives, who dies and when. Different religion tells different things about after death. it’s a great unknown. But for now, i know that I’m very fortunate, by having sufficient food, having warmth, having shelter, having love from family members and friends. One friend says that i think too much, maybe maybe not. 

I was still thinking this morning how long do i have to be back to normal. I think the answer is never, people changes all the time. There is never back to normal just have to learn to except it. For now, I’m going to find great things to eat. enjoy my friends company, exploring new interest, find a happier job, volunteering.  Maybe i can bring joy to people life too. 

Cindy

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Life comes in a package of sorrow, happinesss, hope and disappointment.

I receive the news of my grandmother death on Wednesday 5th Apr’06 during lunch time. Had a hard time stabilizing my emotions, not allowing tears to flow. But thinking that I will never be able to see her face, hear her voice. It was a lost that I can’t describe. It was a pain that I refuse to acknowledge.

I thought i can handle it, tried to finish my work for the day before i leave for the wake. But tears keeps flowing, send a mail to my boss telling him that i won’t be around. On my way home, friends call me but I refuse to pick up. What should I say? thanks? I’m ok? It’s better?  i can’t thus i left it ringing.

In Malaysia - it was a very simple wake nothing elaborate like the one of my grandpa. I wonder why?  I refuse to see my grandma maybe because I’m angry for her to leave without seeing me, angry why she could not get well, angry that i did not call back on Tuesday night when i had the bad feeling.

When i see my grandma for the last time, i could not recognize her at all. She looks foreign to me, like someone whom i have no recall of. She lived to  a ripe age of 85, but the last 4 was plagued with illness. Initially, She has dementia then her lungs was infected with water. finally she is bed-ridden.

One of my friend ask me, if her death was expected. All death are expected. All death are not expected. How do you know when someone is dying? Another friend told me that a human body is a hotel for the person soul to be in. So i hope that grandma soul is in a better place now.

At the wake, there is the constant burning of "money", the chanting from the monks. Does it really mean anything? Does it makes her departure easier? Nobody can tell me for sure but I rather everything was done than not. The mood was even consider relaxing, no tears from anyone. I rather believe that the hurt is in the heart then on the face.

I’m amazed that We can still eat, still breath, still joke, still laugh. Does a death of a love one means anything? I don’t know really but life goes on. Just at what speed it does.

She was burial next to my grandpa. I pray hard that she is in peace.  There are more sorrow that i will have to encounter in future but practice does not makes perfect. But that’s life.

Cindy